Today.

I went to visit Becky today.  I went to look at her vacant room (I cannot believe she sleeps next to the door. On a sofa couch.) It honestly just reminded me of how privileged and spoiled I am.  To think that I berated my parents for buying all of the stuff for me. And asking them why they would buy it for me.  I cannot believe how arrogant I have become.  How little I remember the slums of the Philippines.  And Thailand.  How little I know of poverty. I have been so incredibly blessed by my dad. and my mum.  In a world where I have so much. Where I have been gifted so much.  To have refused it.  Out of pride? Selfishness? Wanting to fit in with my friends who don't have that much?  It's a strange feeling.  To be stuck in the middle, everywhere I go.  Not rich or white enough to hang out with my Pembroke friends.  Not Asian enough for church friends.  Too rich (?) for not for profit people.  Not rich enough for corporate people.  

I remember Lydia.  I was a little bit astounded by her confidence in herself.  In her passion for fashion.  But also her willingness to listen.  And be there.  

The question constantly begs: where do I belong? Where do I fit in? They say a friend to many is a friend to none.  Audrey G said that I have a lot of friends - which is true to an extent.  I know many people, but only shallowly.  I guess it's a very Sydney thing.

I don't think I have any deep relationships with anyone.  And strangely enough, I don't think I ever have.  The deepest relationships I've had are with people from overseas - where I was able to actually be myself with no labels attached - and they are the ones who I've wanted to keep in contact with.  Them and Clifford. 

But even then, I don't even contact much.  And yet I know that we will always be able to pick up where we left off.  I guess I am thankful for those friendships.  

Sometimes I think I am just so used to being alone.  I am so used to it now.  If I worked from home, I could easily just talk to my colleagues, get human interaction from people at Woolworths and come home and just write.  Write and write and write.

If it wasn't for social media, then I would actually have no idea of what's going on in the world.