Things I've Realised Recently

For some strange reason, I sometimes think I'm still stuck in 2019.  My apartment decor hasn't changed.  My clothes are still the same.  The people I see are still the same sometimes. 

2019 was a door mat year.  I took on way too much to handle.  I had no one defending my own interests.  I put everyone else first and for the first time in my life, I burnt out.  In a ridiculously severe fashion.  

My mind is still recovering.  The pace at which Sydney goes is incredibly fast.  For someone who had just come back from Korea's countryside, it was a thrill, but too much of a thrill.

Things needed to slow down in that time.  

And then they did.  COVID brought everything to a stop.  

People kept living.  People kept making money.  People kept making friends.  Albeit it somewhat virtually.

So now, we live in a virtual cross real world.  Something I am still coming to terms with and honestly struggling to get a grip with.

Perhaps it was my experience where no one was answering my cries for help.  I was so afraid of voicing out my opinion - especially since I had grown up in a conservative society where no one questioned authorities.  Any question was to be perceived as an act of defiance.  

It feels good to get everything out on 'paper'.  Journalling has always been a way of mine to get my thoughts in order.  To get everything out.  Instagram has stopped for now - it's been a really long time actually. 

The constant stress of not finding a job.  The constant stress of whether I'll be able to afford to live in my apartment or if I need to move back home.  The stress of whether I need to find another place to rent out if I do go home.  And where do I go now? Where am I in terms of my life?  

My mother tells me to keep going.  One foot ahead of another, and we shall see where the road leads.

It feels dark sometimes.  And yet I know there is light ahead.  I know there is light in me, trying to get out.  

Perhaps this is what real life anxiety feels like.  The weight of the world on your shoulders.  And yet the hope that everything will turn out alright.