Update on life.

I've started working at Breville.  Breville!?! It's crazy.  Who would have ever thought?? It's really strange to think that I work at such a big company. I definitely did not ever think I would do so - and yet, it seems so fitting? Or at least it's definitely somewhere which people could picture me at.  "It's to do with food", people will say.  

And yet I honestly don't even think I resonate with food that much anymore.  It's not something that I crave, or that I really go for.  Nowadays it's more about meeting up with people.  Getting human interaction.  Maybe because I've been by myself for so long? I just want to talk to someone.  And actually have a decent conversation.  And yet all the conversations these days (and rightly so, I guess) is about babies, houses, where to live, how far you drive to commute.  I'm thankful for Sharon to be honest.  I'm so glad she is also single and not about to get married or dating anyone.  I'm thankful that I have another friend to commiserate with.  I guess I'm pretty excited about my team at Breville now.  I' still pretty concerned that I won't be able to do well.  Or that I'll somehow let the team down.  Or that I'll come across as an idiot who knows nothing.  They say confidence is key, but somehow I don't think that's true.  I've come across so many people who have had confidence but don't know their stuff.  And I've come across people who don't have any confidence but are the smartest people in the room.  

And yet, Jeremy was right.  The world rewards the extroverted.  And so you learn to adapt.  

I'm always really conscious of the fact that Gloria says my voice goes higher.  Or that I put on a higher voice.  Liam also said that my voice got higher after Korea.  I swear it's not a conscious thing.  It's just that it's so much easier to be 'me' - low voice, sassy, dismissive - with people who also get it.  It's called learning to adapt. Is that a bad thing? I don't necessarily think so.  My demeanour changes depending on who I'm with.  And I guess that's a by product of me trying to make friends wherever I go - seeing as I had so few when I was younger.  

 There are also days when I think back to the trauma which I had to go through as a kid.

The physical trauma? The emotional trauma of having to keep Gloria's secrets for her.  TO the point where I had to bury all of my shit.  My eating disorders.  My narcissism?? Even though it's not seen as narcissism in Asia.  

Still learning how to deal with all of that in my own space.  And maybe that's why I love being alone.  And speaking to Dad and Mum on the phone but not having them in my space.  They're kept at bay by physical distance.  

Anyway, just random thoughts for a Monday morning.  I think I'm just tired and hungry. 

Gloria

There are days when I think back to who Gloria is without Aaron.  The simple, Adelaide girl who moved to Japan on her own for work.  With no parents, no friends, and no one to even speak English with besides her workmates.  I guess I never think about that part. 

The Gloria who always takes my calls. Who always looks out for me (except when she's looking out for Aaron).  The selfless older sister who puts everyone else before her.  The one who is coming to Hillsong (apparently) because she wants to know if it's a good church.   Funnily enough, she didn't have that issue with CPC.  

I'm thankful for her today.  

Today.

I went to visit Becky today.  I went to look at her vacant room (I cannot believe she sleeps next to the door. On a sofa couch.) It honestly just reminded me of how privileged and spoiled I am.  To think that I berated my parents for buying all of the stuff for me. And asking them why they would buy it for me.  I cannot believe how arrogant I have become.  How little I remember the slums of the Philippines.  And Thailand.  How little I know of poverty. I have been so incredibly blessed by my dad. and my mum.  In a world where I have so much. Where I have been gifted so much.  To have refused it.  Out of pride? Selfishness? Wanting to fit in with my friends who don't have that much?  It's a strange feeling.  To be stuck in the middle, everywhere I go.  Not rich or white enough to hang out with my Pembroke friends.  Not Asian enough for church friends.  Too rich (?) for not for profit people.  Not rich enough for corporate people.  

I remember Lydia.  I was a little bit astounded by her confidence in herself.  In her passion for fashion.  But also her willingness to listen.  And be there.  

The question constantly begs: where do I belong? Where do I fit in? They say a friend to many is a friend to none.  Audrey G said that I have a lot of friends - which is true to an extent.  I know many people, but only shallowly.  I guess it's a very Sydney thing.

I don't think I have any deep relationships with anyone.  And strangely enough, I don't think I ever have.  The deepest relationships I've had are with people from overseas - where I was able to actually be myself with no labels attached - and they are the ones who I've wanted to keep in contact with.  Them and Clifford. 

But even then, I don't even contact much.  And yet I know that we will always be able to pick up where we left off.  I guess I am thankful for those friendships.  

Sometimes I think I am just so used to being alone.  I am so used to it now.  If I worked from home, I could easily just talk to my colleagues, get human interaction from people at Woolworths and come home and just write.  Write and write and write.

If it wasn't for social media, then I would actually have no idea of what's going on in the world.  

Things I've Realised Recently

For some strange reason, I sometimes think I'm still stuck in 2019.  My apartment decor hasn't changed.  My clothes are still the same.  The people I see are still the same sometimes. 

2019 was a door mat year.  I took on way too much to handle.  I had no one defending my own interests.  I put everyone else first and for the first time in my life, I burnt out.  In a ridiculously severe fashion.  

My mind is still recovering.  The pace at which Sydney goes is incredibly fast.  For someone who had just come back from Korea's countryside, it was a thrill, but too much of a thrill.

Things needed to slow down in that time.  

And then they did.  COVID brought everything to a stop.  

People kept living.  People kept making money.  People kept making friends.  Albeit it somewhat virtually.

So now, we live in a virtual cross real world.  Something I am still coming to terms with and honestly struggling to get a grip with.

Perhaps it was my experience where no one was answering my cries for help.  I was so afraid of voicing out my opinion - especially since I had grown up in a conservative society where no one questioned authorities.  Any question was to be perceived as an act of defiance.  

It feels good to get everything out on 'paper'.  Journalling has always been a way of mine to get my thoughts in order.  To get everything out.  Instagram has stopped for now - it's been a really long time actually. 

The constant stress of not finding a job.  The constant stress of whether I'll be able to afford to live in my apartment or if I need to move back home.  The stress of whether I need to find another place to rent out if I do go home.  And where do I go now? Where am I in terms of my life?  

My mother tells me to keep going.  One foot ahead of another, and we shall see where the road leads.

It feels dark sometimes.  And yet I know there is light ahead.  I know there is light in me, trying to get out.  

Perhaps this is what real life anxiety feels like.  The weight of the world on your shoulders.  And yet the hope that everything will turn out alright. 

March 2021

So, things in life have taken a bit of turn since Christmas last year lol. 

Still (technically) looking for a job, still looking for a place, but things seem to be looking up now.  I'm still waiting on the job -FINGERS CROSSED MAN :( - and will be moving in with Es from IJM.  I'm a little scared about this - I haven't lived with anyone for three years - but I'm hoping it will be okay.  I have enough need-to-please ness for things to work out.   Also, she is also a bit of a mess (perhaps this is why we are friends) so if we just keep it to our rooms.  

I have also started going to Hillsong - that statement in itself is completely mind-blowing.  I'm going to be real here - it's mainly because the welcome leader is actually really cute.  He is also single lol.  But I have not even met him.  And I'm trying not to meet him now.  I have actually bonded with another girl who is kind of similar to me in a way.  Indo-Aus who is trying to find her purpose, and trying to find her way in life.  

It's kind of interesting to see how life has turned out.  Going back to Adelaide for Anita's wedding was also really strange.  It honestly felt like I had gone back in time, except Terence was in Jason's place instead.  Watching her get married was really nice, and also slightly surreal.  I guess this is what it's like being a bridesmaid and not really needing to do anything besides show up and look nice.  Being the maid of honour was very different. It is actually such a nightmare - all the appointments and decisions and people coming in and out.  

Living With My Parents During Covid 19

Where do I even begin with this story?

It was never my intention to move back in.  Nor is it my intention to stay for that long.  But I fear that I will.

I fear getting complacent.  I fear that I will never be able to move out as there is just no drive.

Living with my parents is also strange.  I have never been with them for this long since I left Adelaide 6 years ago.  The longest period of time would have been a week.  Maximum.

It's now been a month.

Even then I never really lived with both of them.  Mum was often away in HK.  Dad was church a lot of the time.

Adelaide is a small city.  The people are relaxed.  Too relaxed, even.  The people that I hang out with have never lived by themselves.  Have never had to worry about not making rent.  Or not having a place to live.

Many of them are teenagers or younger.  They follow the trajectory of graduate, get a job (or not), find a partner, get married and have kids.

And I feel like a loser for coming back.  My ego has been severely bruised.  Who am I anymore?  There is nothing exciting about where I live.  Nothing exciting about what I do - which is nothing.

Oh did I not tell you?  I quit my job, right before coronavirus decided to take over the planet.

I still wish I hadn't quit.  The loss of all the relationships.  The daily connections.  Just the ability to instant message someone at work to complain.

I miss it.

And I hate myself for giving it up.  Because I didn't listen to HR to get a psychologist before calling my parents.  Relying on their promises that things would get better.

Relying on anything to make me feel better because I no longer could make myself feel better.

The new things always fade.  In the end, I am still me.  Unworthy.  Lost.

I feel so lost.

I also don't like posting things where people can see me and ask me about it.  I don't want to talk about my feelings with you in person.  Give me space and I'll talk to you about it later.  Not while the emotions are still raw.  Not when I haven't finished processing them.

Instagram gave me the opportunity to be less self-conscious about myself.  Because I learned to not care about what other people thought of me.

I am also no longer objective.  I no longer care about what makes other people happy.  Have I been burnt?  Years of conditioning, and now it's gone.

I just don't know who I am anymore.

There are no stories in my head.  When I listen to my music I will cry.  And I cannot even cry properly without someone coming in to tell me not to cry.